My relationship with Alcohol
I come from a LONG line of people who suffer from what is called “substance use disorder”. My mother’s drug of choice was methamphetamines, my father’s was pot and alcohol. Go further back and you will find copious amounts of alcoholism and drug use of various kinds all throughout my family tree.
As a result of this, my childhood experiences were what you could describe as “less than traditional”. There were times in my life where I legitimately wished that I would be carted off to foster care so that it would all be over. Surprisingly I made it into adulthood never having been taken from either of my parents but as a result of that I made the decision early on to never use any drugs. I didn’t want my life to end up like theirs and or the most part I have held true to that decision.
When I was growing up I was never really into alcohol. You hear stories of kids going to parties and drinking in high school but that was not me. I can recall one time where we drank in high school but that is all. I really didn’t get into alcohol until I was an actual legal adult.
When I turned 21 I was freshly divorced and living as a single mother to a 1 year old (that’s a story for another time) and I was living in apartments two doors down from a bar. suffice it to say I spent more time there than I ever should have and there are many nights/weekends I don’t remember.
My drinking never interfered with my ability to be a productive adult, and I can honestly say didn’t quite reach what I would call alcoholism. Binge drinking, sure…full blown alcoholism, not quite. I was young, lonely, feeling hopeless, and making poor decisions.
Well, fast forward a few years and I have gotten that out of my system. I am too old to party like I did when I was young and recovering form a hangover takes four freaking days anymore. Even if I WANTED to do that I just couldn’t!
I still consume alcohol but in much smaller quantities than before. However, I am acutely aware of the possibility that given my family history and my own personal struggles that I could easily fall into the pit of addiction that swallowed my family whole.
There are times where I have to take a step back and make the conscious decision to not consume alcohol just to make sure that I can. I have my own personal “lent” a few times a year because I am so damn afraid that I will end up like them.
Why not just quit alcohol then? Well, I do enjoy the taste of some alcohols, and the social aspect of it (i.e. beers at a BBQ, Wine at dinner, etc) and I do feel like I am ok at this point. However I live with the persistent paranoia of what could be and perhaps that is what keeps me on the right side of it all. Perhaps I am just deluding myself…
Cheers!
Dogs are infinitely better than people
Let me start by saying that I have five dogs, so I may be a little biased. I never wanted to have five dogs; at least not at this point in my life, but it is what it is.
There are very few creatures in life that will love you unconditionally no matter how shitty of a person you are. They look forward to when you come home from work, when you walk them, when you just sit on the couch and watch tv with them. They do not have expectations of who you should be, they just love you for who you are.
My retirement dream would be to buy a large plot of land and build a sanctuary for all of the elderly shelter dogs to come and live out their last days rolling in stinky things, chasing balls, and just loving life. It breaks my heart when I see people abandoning their old dogs in the shelter because they have become too much trouble.
My oldest dog is 13 and blind. When I adopted him he was 10, already blind, and had heart worms. Why did I adopt him? Because he had a handsome smile that I couldn’t say no to. Shortly after we brought him home he tried dying of salmonella he got from contaminated pig ears. Many large vet bills later he survived and has gone on to live with us and become a major pain in my ass. He pisses on the floor regularly now and probably has started developing doggy dementia….or he’s going deaf but either way the incessant random barking at nothing is driving us all bat shit crazy.
But you know what? He is the sweetest, most loving puppy of a dog despite his advanced age and disability. I’m convinced he will outlive the other four. I am honored to have had the opportunity to love him for however many years he has left.
Get out and see something new
I describe myself as always “DTA” or down to adventure. Growing up I was never afforded the opportunity to experience anything outside of my limited bubble. Be it for a lack of money or time…or many other things, my family didn’t do anything outside of survive.
For this reason, when I became an adult and ultimately in control of my own life, I decided I would always see and do new things. I needed to experience the world outside of my own limited lived experience. I needed to see the beauty in the world and experience joy.
When this Pandemic began I had two trips planned. 2020 was going to be the year of adventure for my family. My spouse and I were going to head to Europe and meet up with a good college friend of mine. We were going to road trip across Germany and France with a stop in Zurich. It was going to be grand! Not only was I going to experience Germany for the first time since I left in ‘85 but I was going to see my friend who had been feeling very lonely. After that my daughter and I were going to spend 9 days in Peru, climbing Machu Picchu and swimming in Lake Titicaca. She always knew that Machu Picchu was on my bucket list so when she ran across this trip she knew all she had to do was present the idea and I would be sucked right in.
Well, needless to say none of that happened. I managed to get most of my money back on the Europe trip but had to postpone the Peru trip, not once but twice otherwise I would have lost over a grand by taking a refund. Not willing to lose that kind of money we have just been pushing it back, year after year waiting for the green light to travel once again. Well, fingers crossed but it looks like we are a go in approximately 90 ish days. I cannot wait. I need a freaking break from the stress of real life for a minute.
I know that not everyone can afford some fancy trip like one to Peru. Trust me when I say that for the most part we can’t either. It took many years of making payments to afford that trip. However it doesn’t have to be a major excursion, get out and see new things in your hometown!
Despite having been a Washingtonian nearly my entire life I was over 30 before I ever stepped foot into the space needle and the only reason I did was because I was showing an out of town friend around!!
It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. Just get outside of your everyday routine once in a while. Find the new stuff, the free stuff, the interesting stuff. I promise you that you won’t regret it.
Who am I really?
I have spent the vast majority of my life living for everyone else; literally from childhood into adulthood I have never really been able to be my own person. I may get into it someday but for now, suffice it to say I have never really had the time nor the opportunity to take a step back back and try and figure out who I am. Well, today is the day that I start making that time.
What you have stumbled upon is a mess. This is my mess, where I have come to pour out my thoughts and feelings, explore ideas, share whatever I feel like sharing…and maybe along the way figure out who I am. Maybe you’ll get something from this, maybe you won’t but it doesn’t matter because in the end I am doing this for me not you.
I don’t promise to post on a regular schedule, nor do I promise to post anything in particular, I simply promise to be honest with you and honest with myself.
I'll come up with a clever title later...maybe 